Malaysian Truly Asian

Another morning rush cab driver conversation:

Cabbie (checking me out from the rearview mirror): I think you're Malaysian.
Me: No, I'm Filipino.
Cabbie: You look like my Malaysian passengers. I'm impressed. You speak Tagalog well.
Me: That's because I'm Filipino.
Cabbie: But you live in a condo at the Fort, so you must be a foreigner.
Silence....huh?
Cabbie (started speaking in English): So you want me to go strrraight? Or rrright?
Me (in English): Turn right, please.
Cabbie: See! You ran out of Tagalog words! I knew it! Like a Korean pretending to speak Tagalog but will eventually run dry. I knew you were Malaysian. What do you call your currency again?
Me (Sigh. There's no arguing with this guy): Our currency is Ringgit.
Cabbie: Ah...ringgit (nods, finally satisfied)

The Lamest Filipino Pick-up Lines...All in One Song!

This song by Nicole Hyala, repeatedly aired by Love Radio (hey, I take a cab. Do I really have a choice?), is a collection of the cheesiest, lamest Filipino pick up lines. Guys, try these lines at a bar and the only thing you'd be able to pick up is your glass of beer.

I did my best English translation for my English readers out there.

Bangin ka ba? Kasi nahuhulog na ako sa 'yo
You must be the abyss...'cause I'm falling for you.


Unggoy ka ba? Kasi sumasabit ka sa puso ko
Are you a monkey? Cause you keep hanging on to my heart.


Pustiso ka ba? Kasi you know I can't smile without you
You're like false teeth...'cause I can't smile without you. 


Pagod na pagod na ako. Maghapon ka na kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko
I'm so tired. You've been running in my mind all day.

Papupulis kita kasi ninakaw mo ang puso ko.
I'm going to have you arrested...'cause you stole my heart.


Magsalbabida ka nga kasi baka malunod ka sa pag-ibig ko
Better get a lifejacket..'cause you might drown in my love.


Drugs ka ba? Kakaadik ka kasi.
You're like drugs...I'm addicted to you.

Short Stories - Shorties!

Park Square
If you want to blackmail me using my ugliest photos, you can find them in my high school yearbook or in my government IDs (except my social security ID - the thought of the government giving me money brought out that big smile. Too optimistic, I suppose.)

I renewed my NBI clearance today. When you stand in line for two hours, you're bound to look like a criminal by the time they take your photo. Who wouldn't feel murderous when his or her varicose veins are about to explode?

Big Apple Express Spa
I got a Balinese massage and tried the Nutra-Ice menthol lotion. In this 36 degree weather, this epidermal self-cooling system lasts for 3 hours. For an extra PHP100, you save on air-conditioning. Try it.

Republiq

I went clubbing with my friend last Holy Wednesday.

Me: Aren't we forbidden to party this Holy Week?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: Well, I checked with my sister and she said it's okay 'til Good Friday. So if we go to hell, I'll blame her.

The place was packed at midnight. Considering it's a work night, Holy Week, and half of the clubbing population in Boracay, I'd say Republiq is a happening place. Dirty bit!

Gym

The three words you should keep to yourself and never say to me: “You gained weight.” Yes, I'm one of those people whose self-esteem is tied to their BMI. So when my trainer said I put on weight, I tried to convince myself it's a marketing ploy to get me to renew my training session.

To settle the argument, we did the ultimate litmus test – the weighing scale. I avoided him for three days because I was scared to get on that overly-complex scale that measures your weight, body fat, BMR, BMI, body water, metabolic age, sperm count, DNA composition...

Turns out I gained 2 pounds but I still have a body age of 19! Ha! Suck on that! Gloat, gloat and say what? Oh yes, gloat. My self-esteem is doing just fine.