It's Been Painful, Mr. Grey

My flatmate lent me her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. I had no intention of reading the book because I knew it would be as commercial as Dan Brown. But out of curiosity, I opened to Page 1 and found myself close to Page 200 after two hours. Do not be misled. It's an easy, brain-numbing piece of literature: big fonts, small words. It doesn't even have that euphemistic allusion to sex, Mills & Boon style. More like cut-and-paste dialogues from a porn movie.

There were two things that annoyed me the most. First, Anastasia Steele's inner goddess. Who and what exactly is this bitch? It sounded like a schizophrenic, split personality disorder to me. Second, Christian Grey. Ladies, do not run away with your fantasies. What are the chances of Grey being real - a hot, ripped, wealthy entrepreneur that flies his own chopper, feeds Africa AND straight? We all know that entrepreneur billionaires look more like Mark Zuckerberg than Christian Bale (hey, Zucky's cute in his own way).

My flatmate cannot believe it's taking me more than three days to finish the book. My interest just waned, and I'm supposed to be in the "best part" (Anastasia says yes to being tied like a hog and whipped like a horse). I'd pick Harry Potter over this anytime - at least Rowling made me think who opened the Chamber of Secrets.

The Rainbow Pride

Some of the dearest people to me are gay and I can tell you that they're the most fun, honest and entertaining people you'd every meet in your life. The homophobes are definitely missing out on such colorful and fun friendships!

I went to a lesbian club the other night with two of my gay friends - a guy and a girl who's visiting from abroad. While I'm no stranger to gay districts like Castro, where I actually went into a barbershop for lesbians and was highly educated and entertained by their very selective reading of lesbian porn, and have enjoyed a bunch of Singapore gay clubs where I indulged in unlimited amounts of cherries for my cosmopolitan, being inside a lesbian club was still a bit of a culture shock.

My friends told me that a woman entering a lesbian club is always assumed to be gay. And true enough, four beautiful girls started offering us free "chupitos" (Spanish shots). The worried look of a heterosexual misfit amused one of the girls and she tried to calm me down by saying, "don't worry, I'm not hitting on you. My girlfriend's here." Then they started making out. #loveawkwardmoments

We stepped outside to get some fresh air. A girl came up to us asking for a light. She hung out for a while insisting we join her and her friends at the other club. If you're straight, there's no chance in hell that you would recognize this as a pick-up line. I used to be proud of my gaydar but this place just shot down whatever neural homo sensor I had.

I went home convinced I still want those beer-guzzling, testosterone-pumped creatures called men.

Bye Bye Birdie

Somebody in my apartment complex bought a parrot and the incessant squawking is far from an urban Amazonian jungle experience. I had to bear "hola! hola! awwwk! awwwk" every afternoon, in the midst of 500 economics slides, while drawing my supply and demand curves. Vegetarian or not, I want to kill that bird.

I plotted schemes in my head how to get rid of the bird. My first thought was to drug it. Call it bird feed "X". But I changed my mind because the bird might start saying "I love you! I love you!" all day. Then I thought of putting a recording of "kill me! kill me!" right next to it until the bird learned how to say it. When the right time comes, I can say "with pleasure!" Bam! Bird gone, problem solved.

Come to think of it, it's not the bird's fault. It's the OWNER who's to blame. Now what's the best way to deal with the owner?

a) Buy a bigger and noisier bird
b) Buy a dog (for every squawk there's a bark)
c) Buy a vulture and put it outside his window

Brilliant ideas but we all know that I'll end up doing one thing - nothing.

Break the Glass Ceiling in Case of Emergency

Disclaimer: One of the extremely rare, intellectually stimulating posts I've ever written...prepared to be bored to tears.

We've heard it many times before - had the world been ruled by women, World Wars I & II and the 2008 financial crisis would have no space in history. We'll have less poverty, less inequality, and it would've been one happy, floral-scented world of pink bows and oven-fresh, calorie-free cookies. Wishful thinking? 

Unbeknownst to most people, many matriarchal societies do exist (whether these are classified as matrilinear, matrilocal, matrifocal or matriarchal is still subject to much debate) - the Ede of Viet Nam, the Mosuo of China, the Hopi Indians and the Chambri of Papua New Guinea. Corrina Laughlin described these women-led societies as "communal, egalitarian, more nurturing and just" (utopianist.com).

Matriarchal societies exist in a number of mammalian species as well. Elephants, known for their superior intelligence, live in herds of females and their calves, and are led by the oldest female cows. The herd works in a highly coordinated fashion - protecting each other and working together to find food. Female elephants take a huge role in rearing young calves and ensuring the survival of the species.

Now even more interesting is the dominatrix nature of the spotted hyenas. Female hyenas are bigger and more aggressive than the males, and believe it or not, have their own pseudopenis or peniform clitoris (read: these ladies have dicks). The males need to prove themselves before being given permission to mate. Welcome to the alternate universe of the Type-A, suit-donning bitches who have enough balls to get what they want and crush men with their stiletto-ed heels.

And how can we ignore the very controversial species of the Bonobo monkeys? Deemed to be matriarchal, these highly sexual species are dominated by females, who control males through sexuality. The male's rank is determined by his mother's rank in the society. What an amusing world of mama's boys who'll solve world conflicts through sex and not violence (insert canned hyena laugh here).

Most sociologists claim that human matriarchies did not exist in the past and remain hypothetical, but Bertha Diener disputes this claim by saying all human societies were historically matriarchal, which later shifted and degenerated to patriarchy (this, in my opinion, is pushing the Amazonian vision a bit too far). 

The gynocentric society I seek is not the diametrical opposition of patriarchy but a higher form of egalitarian democracy where no barriers and biases against genders exist.

More interesting reading here.
http://matriarchal.askdefine.com/

Pinay on Ice

I've landed on my face and ass so many times that if you've seen that movie Jumanji with the stampeding rhinoceri, I felt like my body was somewhere in that stampede scene. 

So what does snow taste like? 

Hmm... like halo-halo without anything in it!

Mo-mo-morocco!

A Filipino in Morocco was such a rarity that the airport security couldn't help blurting out "Philippine?!". That's right, brother. From one third world to another...high five.

Souks: Not a place for claustrophobes and misanthropes. Crowded, touristy and severely overpriced. If you think you're a pro at bargaining, try this one for size.

"Hello, my friend": Everyone is your friend and brother. If you're lonely and insecure, this is the place for you.

They speak in tongues: Everyone will try to speak your language - French, Spanish, English, Chinese...name it, and they'll say anything to lure you into their shops. Unfortunately, "cheap" is not in their vocabulary.

Gastronomy: Moroccan cuisine is all about kebabs, tagine and couscous. If you find that couscous is starting to come out of your nose (trust me, there's a limit to how much couscous you can eat), there are French or Italian restaurants everywhere to give your taste buds a rest.

Warning: Baklavas are so sinfully delicious that you would almost forget how fast those calories will find their way to your thighs.

Camels: Riding one is an unforgettable experience. They bear a great resemblance to giraffes, obviously cousins in the mutated gene pool of camelidae.  Riding a camel reminded me of Manila - hot, bumpy, uncomfortable but fun!

Straddling Cappuccino.

Baby Got Back
The dark brown camel behind Cappuccino is Sultan. Sultan's snout was tied to the saddle on Cappuccino's back. What a sad life having to look and sniff at another camel's ass...

Not so easy, Easyjet.
18:00 - Flight attendant announces the flight will be delayed.
19:00 - Electronic board announces that flight to Paris-CDG is at Gate 5. Type-A passengers started running towards Gate 5.
19:05 - Board changes to Gate 3. Type-A passengers started running towards Gate 3.
19:20 - Board changes to Gate 7.
19:21 - Board doesn't display any gate number. Type-A passengers got confused.
Comical. Almost felt like a noontime game show...

The 2012 Resolutions That Will Last For...

For 30 years I've written and broken a lot of resolutions. What's another year?

• Alcohol free for 3 months - I am not a big drinker but if I'm going on a 5-7 pound diet, cutting back on every unnecessary calorie would be essential.
• The 5 pound diet - I'm smack in the perfectly healthy weight for a normal human being but when you're pushing 31 and you're not a Victoria's Secret model, you can't trust your body to work in your favor. Those extra macarons (Laduree is the devil's minion) and pastries will eventually find their way to your hips, legs and every fat storing cell of your body. Losing 5 pounds will do my body good.

Let the countdown begin...