Triple X

It doesn't take a lot of words for your ex to send you into a spiraling hole of psychotic analytical rage. As a matter of fact, it only takes two letters - H.I. Either a short SMS or an email subject. Those two letters could launch you into a verbal diarrhea of "why's," reconciliation possibilities and happy endings. But let this cynic slap you silly and crush your fantasies of sweet ales and pink roses:

• A message 2 days post-break up can only mean one thing: booty call.
• He messaged you because he's a.) bored b.) curious c.) exploring his options. But that doesn't mean he wants you back.
• Texting you has become a habit...and he's trying to break away from it. But then, that doesn't make you any different from a cigarette, does it?
• He's being selfish. If his famous last words were, "I can't be with you, but I can't live without you. Can we still be friends?" The correct response should be, "I have over 500 friends on Facebook. I don't need you. And can't you go any lamer than quoting Todd Rundgren?" (Turn around, and slowly walk away, hold your head high and swing your hips gracefully. But if hopping is more your thing, then hop away like a free Energizer bunny.)
• He's drunk-texting. Like drunk-dialing or drunk-tweeting. Don't be flattered that he's thinking about you when he's drunk, 'cause he's not. That fifth glass of whisky just turned his brain into a soft gelatinous mush. He probably doesn't want you back and is just being himself - stupid, that is.

We mark things "X" when they're wrong...have you ever realized that's probably why you call that boy your "ex"? Think, girl, think!