MBA Chronicles: When I Grow Up, I Want To Be....

It's been a year since those dreadful days of writing essays for business school applications where I'd been asked over and over again what my personal aspirations were. I remember having had to take a step back and think what I want out of life. All I know is that when I was younger, I wanted to be an astronaut. Well, we all did at some point. I don't know what killed your astronaut dream, but for me, it was when I realized astronauts had very complicated toilet habits. That, and the risk of suffocating yourself with your own gas.

Then I wanted to be a dentist because in my young eyes, the state-of-the-art, hydraulic dental chair was an amusement park ride that came with a free toothbrush. I abandoned my dream of poking around people's mouths after 2 molar extractions.

Then I wanted to become a teacher because just like every normal kid, I coveted that teaching stick of power. I had my complete teaching set: a little blackboard, white and colored chalks, an eraser, my dad's broken eyeglasses, and a small stick that I used to point at either Barbie or Cabbage Patch, asking it to recite the alphabet. I always sent my dog to detention.

I remember playing with my parents' broken stethoscopes but I never wanted to be a doctor. Tagging along hospital rounds every Saturday, visiting sick people, was enough to get me depress at seven years old. But it's cool to have physician parents. You'd know big words like ciprofloxacin at age 9 and show off with phrases like "damn, my sternocleidomastoid hurts."

I realized there's not much difference between now and then...25 years later, you still don't know what you want.

MBA Chronicles: Snippets of Wisdom

If you have classes from 9AM to 14:50PM everyday and you only get to have one 30-minute break, the person who asks a stupid question at 14:49 deserves to be suckerpunched. Lesson: Do not be this person.

If we pay a euro for every useless and irrelevant comment in class, we might be able to pay Greece's debt in a year.

"You won't die while doing your MBA. But you won't live, either." - Gagan

Making friends in your MBA is all about finding the right fit. You can't force yourself into groups you have nothing in common with; it's like trying to fit a square into a circle. Lesson: Be the circle, don't be square.

The philosophy of the bell-curve grading system: if you think you're doing bad, just pray that 5% of the population are doing worse than you.

MBA Chronicles: The 10 People You'll Meet in Your MBA

1. The Know-it-all - The classmate who seems to know everything and wants everybody to know it. If they think they're soooo brilliant, then what the hell are they still doing in school?!?

2. The Celebrity Wannabe - They want to be popular. They want to know everyone and be everywhere; clearly the winner of the congeniality crown. But remember, familiarity breeds apathy.

3. The Orator - Also known as the MC (Master of Comments). These people love to hear themselves speak.  They are soothed by the sound of their own voices and think they're so clever by always saying something in class. Most people would call this verbal masturbation.

4. The Interrogator - They ask questions they already know the answers to. They ask questions for the sake of asking. Yes, we should sue these people if we destroy an optic nerve from rolling our eyes.

5. The Energizer Bunny - The classmate who has Redbull pumping into his/her bloodstream. This person can party from midnight 'til dawn, and still manage to show up in class looking fresh as a daisy.
Oh, how we envy them.

6. The Leader - The proactive student who loves to organize events, photocopy notes for everyone, initiate group studies... generally thought of as God's gift to slackers.

7. The Comic - The classmate who says the funniest things at the dullest moments. You will owe this person your sanity.

8. The Player - Charm is naturally wired in the player's DNA, and this social butterfly immensely enjoys the mating dance. According to Askmen.com, players understand the fine line between offensive and irresistible i.e. "classy jerks".

9. The Egobombastic - The person who frequently begins a sentence with "I" and ends it with "me". It's pretty difficult to hang out with this person; when his/her ego gets too big, you'd always run out of room.

10. The Nice Guy - This is your average Joe/Jane. Don't be deceived. Not all nice guys finish last.

A huge chunk of the MBA experience is learning how to manage your emotions and relationships with different people. But honestly, at the end of the day,  it's alcohol that unites all differences.

It's Bugging Me

After a long break from blogging, nothing beats a cab driver story for a comeback post.

Cab driver: You know, I just came back from the hospital to drop off a passenger.

Me: Really? What happened?

Cab driver: The woman was going nuts. She was banging her head on the window.

Me: What? Why?

Cab driver: A cockroach got into her ear.

Me: Excuse meee? A WHAAATT?!

Cab driver: A cockroach! That must be really painful. Roaches and their spindly, thorny legs.

Me: (Shivers). That's gross.

Cab driver: I wonder how the cockroach will manage to get out. I don't think it can walk backwards. I mean, I only see them going forward all the time. And they can't turn around either - no U-turn slot. If they asked me, I would've recommended one solution.

Me: And what's that?

Cab driver: You need to take off your shirt and wear it backwards. That's what the old folks say.

Me: Huh?

Cab driver: It really works. An ant got into my ear once and all I did was take off my shirt and wear it backwards. The ant got out in 1 minutes (yes, he did say '1 minutes'). I swear, it works!

Me: So, why didn't you give them your expert advice?

Cab driver: They might think I'm a pervert if I ask her to take her shirt off...

The Wonders of Shawshank and Karate Kid

Shawshank Redemption and Karate Kid were on HBO this week and I consider myself a masochist for watching Karate Kid twice. The movie was full of subliminal messages; a black kid getting beaten up by a Chinese kid makes you think if it's a preview of things to come i.e. the Chinese taking over the world. The black kid making out with a Chinese girl could only mean the world is truly mixing and we're going to have more biracial hotties like Tyson Beckford and Chanel Iman.

Cut to Shawshank.

After watching Shawshank again last night, I started to wonder about the trivial things movie directors purposely leave out in the movie. For example, before going to prison, do you get the chance to pick your final outfit as a free man or do they just haul you straight to jail? Do the feds schedule a pickup like "Mr. Dufresne, we will pick you up at 14:00 hours and drop you off at Shawshank at 14:30. Enjoy the rest of your life in prison." And if you do get to choose what to wear, what's the appropriate clothing for prison? In the case of Andy Dufresne, he opted for a suit. Well, that might have been appropriate considering it's almost like walking into your funeral...alive. I also thought what will happen to his house, his assets, his bank account? That will give the convicted felon something to think about every night while stuck in his cell for the next 20 years.

Malaysian Truly Asian

Another morning rush cab driver conversation:

Cabbie (checking me out from the rearview mirror): I think you're Malaysian.
Me: No, I'm Filipino.
Cabbie: You look like my Malaysian passengers. I'm impressed. You speak Tagalog well.
Me: That's because I'm Filipino.
Cabbie: But you live in a condo at the Fort, so you must be a foreigner.
Silence....huh?
Cabbie (started speaking in English): So you want me to go strrraight? Or rrright?
Me (in English): Turn right, please.
Cabbie: See! You ran out of Tagalog words! I knew it! Like a Korean pretending to speak Tagalog but will eventually run dry. I knew you were Malaysian. What do you call your currency again?
Me (Sigh. There's no arguing with this guy): Our currency is Ringgit.
Cabbie: Ah...ringgit (nods, finally satisfied)

The Lamest Filipino Pick-up Lines...All in One Song!

This song by Nicole Hyala, repeatedly aired by Love Radio (hey, I take a cab. Do I really have a choice?), is a collection of the cheesiest, lamest Filipino pick up lines. Guys, try these lines at a bar and the only thing you'd be able to pick up is your glass of beer.

I did my best English translation for my English readers out there.

Bangin ka ba? Kasi nahuhulog na ako sa 'yo
You must be the abyss...'cause I'm falling for you.


Unggoy ka ba? Kasi sumasabit ka sa puso ko
Are you a monkey? Cause you keep hanging on to my heart.


Pustiso ka ba? Kasi you know I can't smile without you
You're like false teeth...'cause I can't smile without you. 


Pagod na pagod na ako. Maghapon ka na kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko
I'm so tired. You've been running in my mind all day.

Papupulis kita kasi ninakaw mo ang puso ko.
I'm going to have you arrested...'cause you stole my heart.


Magsalbabida ka nga kasi baka malunod ka sa pag-ibig ko
Better get a lifejacket..'cause you might drown in my love.


Drugs ka ba? Kakaadik ka kasi.
You're like drugs...I'm addicted to you.

Short Stories - Shorties!

Park Square
If you want to blackmail me using my ugliest photos, you can find them in my high school yearbook or in my government IDs (except my social security ID - the thought of the government giving me money brought out that big smile. Too optimistic, I suppose.)

I renewed my NBI clearance today. When you stand in line for two hours, you're bound to look like a criminal by the time they take your photo. Who wouldn't feel murderous when his or her varicose veins are about to explode?

Big Apple Express Spa
I got a Balinese massage and tried the Nutra-Ice menthol lotion. In this 36 degree weather, this epidermal self-cooling system lasts for 3 hours. For an extra PHP100, you save on air-conditioning. Try it.

Republiq

I went clubbing with my friend last Holy Wednesday.

Me: Aren't we forbidden to party this Holy Week?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: Well, I checked with my sister and she said it's okay 'til Good Friday. So if we go to hell, I'll blame her.

The place was packed at midnight. Considering it's a work night, Holy Week, and half of the clubbing population in Boracay, I'd say Republiq is a happening place. Dirty bit!

Gym

The three words you should keep to yourself and never say to me: “You gained weight.” Yes, I'm one of those people whose self-esteem is tied to their BMI. So when my trainer said I put on weight, I tried to convince myself it's a marketing ploy to get me to renew my training session.

To settle the argument, we did the ultimate litmus test – the weighing scale. I avoided him for three days because I was scared to get on that overly-complex scale that measures your weight, body fat, BMR, BMI, body water, metabolic age, sperm count, DNA composition...

Turns out I gained 2 pounds but I still have a body age of 19! Ha! Suck on that! Gloat, gloat and say what? Oh yes, gloat. My self-esteem is doing just fine.

Drive, Drove, Driven

And the most improved government agency award goes to.....
The Land Trasnportation Office at Ayala MRT Station!
Applause! Applause!

STEPS TO RENEWING YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE PHILIPPINES

Step 1: Fill out your driver's renewal form. 

The only time when you can create a more perfect you by adding a few centimeters to your height and taking five pounds off your weight. Nobody verifies this information, trust me.

Step 2: Fill up the bottle with urine for drug-testing.

Could only do half. I was dehydrated.

Step 3: Photo-taking and finger scanning.

Before taking your photo, the guy at the counter would yell, "SINGLE or MARRIED???"  I still can't figure out why they even had to ask. What does your marital status have anything to do with driving? Are single women more prone to accidents?! Clive Owen, marry me, quick!

When my name was called out, I chirped "SINGLE!", gave a big smile at the camera then gave them the finger (for scanning).

Step 4: Medical exam

In my country, as long as you're not blind, you're fit to drive. I couldn't read the bottom half of the Snellen chart and yet my form says 20/20 vision. So if you get into an accident and the driver claims he didn't see you coming, you know why.

Step 5 : Pay up.

Everything costs around PHP1000.

And finally...

A spanking new license! Hmm, I look like a coke addict in my photo. I blame it on poor equipment.

Come Again One More Time, Ma'am-Sir?

I was craving for rice cake so I went to Market!Market! to buy sapin-sapin. The guy at the stall randomly asked, "Ma'am, do you have a race?" For one split second I was tempted to be a smart-ass and say "Well, for the most part, I'm human." I think what he was trying to ask was if I was of mixed ethnicity. Funny how that came out.
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A while ago I found that my kitchen pipe was leaking and I was on the verge of an Ondoy disaster. I looked like that little Dutch boy trying to plug the hole in the dam with his finger. My best plumbing ghetto fix - wrap that damn hole with clingwrap.

I knew this was beyond my basic plumbing skills so I called the maintenance guy to assess the damage. He said, "Ma'am, we need an angle bulb." I thought to myself, this is the first time I've heard of a bulb being used under the sink. But what do I know? So I went to MC Home Depot and showed them the part. Product label reads: "angle valve". Toing!

Animatronics

If you're clueless as to what level up means or think MMPORG is a goverment agency, you can stop reading now - this one is for the geeks.

I've recently seen RPG Metanoia and I'm praising the heavens for the pool of creative geniuses and their financial sponsors who finally came up with a refreshing story that is not the nth remake of  Shake, Rattle and Roll, a horror film featuring Kris Aquino, or another misadventure of Enteng Kabisote.

Sidenote: I'm still confused why we show horror movies during Christmas season. Somebody must have an irrational obsession for Halloween, or he just wants to play the Grinch and spoil your Christmas by scaring the wits out of you.

There are just way too many good reasons why you should see RPG Metanoia. Who would want to miss a bentilador and longganisa in animated 3D? I laud the attention to detail, the smooth character animation and the brilliant script. The only miss in this movie is the dubbing. Makes you think of the Tagalog-dubbed Ghostfighter. (Remember Master Eugene who'd be pre-pubescent in one episode, and an old croaking frog the next? And there's Toguro and his 100% muscle power. Classic.)

I really hope the DVD release would have good subtitles that'll capture the poignant ways of Pinoy life. The winning one-liner: "Naka-level up na kooo!"
Check out the movie's website at www.rpgthemovie.com.

A few words on Tron - flat script, hip soundtrack, superb graphics. I was expecting Jeff Bridges to bring his Big Lebowski humor into this movie but was sorely disappointed. The humor's as dry as my skin in cold weather.

With every scene peppered with strobing neon lights and Daft Punk tunes, topped with that rebel biker hottie Garrett Hedlund, this movie makes the perfect alternative to a Zoukout party . If you're suffering from migraine, best to sit this one out.

Nobody Nobody But You

First two days of 2011 and I feel like somebody can drive a bamboo stick through me, and roast me like last media noche's lechon. When you live with my mother, expect to be force-fed five times a day. I'm stuffed to my tonsils and I'm ready to cleanse my body of the excess salt, sugar and fat that have been clogging my bloodstream since December 31st. I went to the gym today to jumpstart my 2011 detox regime and brought myself some oatmeal which I intend to consume for the next 7 days (fiber, jeeves!). I'm not fat - I'm just neurotic.

I figured I might as well pay a visit to the salon since I'm starting to look like someone who's had a kuwitis gone awry land on her head. I went to this salon called Tony and Jackey at Market!Market! (third floor). I wanted to get keratin hair treatment to get that Pantene shine back and get a side fringe/bangs. Now getting a side fringe could only mean two things 1) a fierce battle against my natural parting which is like fighting corruption in this country and 2) the risk of looking like Justin Bieber. Oh baby, baby, oh.

The hair stylists at Tony and Jackey were all Korean. It felt really cool to have a Korean cut your hair...they give you that small hope that they can turn you into a K-Pop star. Well, here's my best Wondergirls shot:

안녕하세요

Happy 2011 to ya'll cyber junkies!