Happiness in a Jar

Whenever I feel down in the dumps, I run to the salon for therapy. Nothing can boost a low self-esteem faster.

I was feeling a little low the other day so I figured I'd get a hair spa. Unfortunately, payday's still a week away and I can't afford to go to a decent salon. I remember reading somewhere that mayonnaise works magic on your hair so I grabbed a jar of mayo from the fridge and had my sister dump a ton on my head. It was a good thing my mom wasn't around. She'd fly off the handle if she knew I wasted so much mayonnaise.

It didn't really do much to my hair except make it smell sour. I felt like a walking In-and-Out burger, sans patty and cheese. It did cure my sadness a bit 'cause I had a good laugh at myself for doing something so stupid.

Sentiments Inspired by "North Country"

We, women, do not want special treatment.
We want to be treated right.

We do not want domination.
We want equal opportunity.

An Allusion

Keep a dog on a leash and it will eventually bite the hand that feeds it.

The Wonders of an Idle Mind

I wonder how many people will try to pick me up if I pose as a hooker along Quezon Avenue.

I wonder what the office would be like if everyone would be required to go to work in his/her birthday suits. Can you imagine how's that going to change the way people interact with each other? People will start measuring and comparing cup sizes, lengths and girths. Instead of complimenting your clothes, people will tell you your pubes need shaving, or how that bulge right there just has to go. I know some people in the U.S have already tried this strictly-no-clothes-in-the-office policy and boy, I bet those people are having a blast.

I wonder if people would believe me if I tell them I'm a transexual who successfully had "it" removed in Bangkok.

One for the Road

What causes road rage...

Confused Drivers - People who signal right, then turn left, then swerve right, and on the last minute, decide to go straight. And the best explanation they can offer is "oops".

Drivers over 75 who drive along EDSA 40 kph tops. These are the same people who do full stops on every intersection.

People who pick their noses inside their cars, especially those with untinted windows.

Buses. They occupy more than two lanes, stop abruptly in the middle of the road and cause air pollution. Need I say more?

Pedestrians who jaywalk because they're too lazy to use the pedestrian lane. And when they get accidentally run over, it's never their fault.

Those pesky little three-wheelers which flit in and out of your way and buzz around like annoying gnats.

Jalopies. For people driving these cars, do everyone a favor and take a cab.

Streetkids who make it their official business during the rainy season to wipe your windshield with soapy rug and rinse it off with rain water. Try not to pay them for their unsolicited services and you'll be stuck with a foamy windshield and sudsy sidemirrors.

Taxi drivers who cut, swerve and practically violate every traffic rule in the book. I give you the finger for being the biggest assholes on the road.

Of Cockroaches and Evolution Theories

I cannot remember if it was my college buddy Lucas who proposed the ludicrous theory that human beings evolved from cockroaches. According to him, cockroaches have walked, or rather crawled, this planet for millions of years and have purportedly survived the catastrophes that had pushed the dinosaurs to extinction. He claims it is the only species that will survive a nuclear explosion. Frankly, the whole idea was stupid but I have to give the guy some credit for being idiotically creative.

Why can't humans have possibly evolved from cockroaches?

I will tell you why.

One, the fact that humans are vertebrates, class mammalia makes us fundamentally different from cockroaches which are classified as invertebrates, class insecta. The disparity is too great to suggest an evolution link. That's Biology 101 for you, Lucas.

Two, no one in his right mind would insult his own taxonomy by saying human beings owe their DNA to a bunch of creepy-crawlies generally classified as pests. Such insinuations are preposterous.

Lucas can get mad at me for all I care but I can assure him it's not his great-grand uncle Dodong I just smashed with my gray Islander slipper.

Hera Could've Done it Differently

I have taken fancy in Greek mythology lately and I thought Hera would be an interesting character to talk about. Hera is an impossible woman to understand. How can she forgive the philandering ways of her husband, Zeus, but cannot find it in her heart to spare the innocent nymphs or mortals who had been nothing but unwilling objects of her husband's lewd desires? Apparently, she does not understand justice nor reason. If you ask me, this woman deserves to be bitchslapped to her senses.

A nice chat with Loretta Bobbit could've easily ended Hera's misery. She could've cut Zeus' phallic tail of virility (assuming gods do have such things in between their legs) and that would've put an end to the scumbag's infidelity. She could've kicked Zeus out from Mount Olympus and become Queen of the Universe. She could have twenty Adonises at her beck and call, satisfying her every whim. But none of these happened because Hera chose to be stuck in a bad marriage, eternally believing Zeus would tire of his romantic pursuits.

There are many disillusioned women out there who, like Hera, believe they can keep their husbands from cheating. And this I say to you: This whole cheating business is a manifestation of a god-knows-what insecurity your husband is suffering from. Read: He won't change. Stop being masochistic lovefools. You don't have to be marionettes of doomed relationships. You can cut yourself off from that predicament. Ask Loretta. The woman is an expert in the cutting business.

If I Were President

On days when I have nothing better to do but to annoy people, I challenge my sister to a "what if" game. She has long learned that the fastest way to shut me up was to play along. The game's fairly simple: we give each other an outrageous situation and we have to explain how we're going to handle it. I have always loved how this game can reveal a person's character by the way s/he responds to unwanted circumstances.

When it was my turn to be asked, I was given the world-peace beauty pageant question, if you were President of the Philippines, what will you do?

I have several brilliant ideas for this country. Traffic discipline is on top of my list. I know it seems odd to push poverty or unemployment to the bottom of my priorities, but do understand that I drive to work everyday and the horrendous traffic jams just have to stop. I told my sister that my Einstein plan was to install a traffic device that will send mild electric shocks to anyone who would attempt to run a red light. I believe that frying the bums of irresponsible drivers will teach them a lifetime lesson not to violate traffic rules. Another thing that pushed me to resort to drastic measures is my skepticism of our traffic enforcers' credibilty. I had witnessed several times how they turned a blind eye to jeepney drivers who blatantly ran red lights under their noses while I, who merely toed the pedestrian lane, had them going after my neck like a pack of ravenous mongrels. Justice should not favor the oppressed. Or maybe those heathens just wanted to extort money from me. Bastards.

Next thing in my agenda is to convert all jeepneys to cable cars. By now, I am certain you are getting the feel of my abhorrence towards these tin can on wheels, 90% of which are manned by half-witted drivers who grow their pinkie fingernails long and hang Good Morning towels around their necks. My sister told me off for being heartless, allowing millions of Filipinos go unemployed but I explained to her they will still keep their jobs as cable car operators and chauffeurs, like in San Francisco. Cable cars cannot swerve or accelerate at will; it uses a street railway system using a cable under the road to pull the cars along which moves at a constant speed. Trust me, I've researched on this. To quote Wikipedia, "One claimed advantage of the cable car is its relative energy efficiency, because of the economy of centrally-located power stations, and the ability for cars going down hill to transfer energy to cars going up". More efficient traffic systems, more savings for the country.

So what have I learned about my character? Nothing much, except that I think of the most absurd things which can get me assassinated before I reach my 26th birthday.

A One-Liner on Disappointment

Do not cause disappointment by saying things you don't mean and making promises you can't keep.

Amanuensis

Writing is a skill I do not possess and I say this without the slightest hint of self-derogation. The exquisite talent of stringing words together to bring forth a coherent thought has completely absconded my area of expertise.

I remember well my high school days, when writing had been a perfunctory task. My blank formal theme paper looked so daunting, my only goal was to fill it up with words. I mostly cheated my way through by writing big.

My biggest problem has always been how to begin my essay. I usually spend a good number of minutes staring at the ceiling, waiting for an idea to magically materialize in my empty head. My only consolation then was the equally blank looks on my classmates' faces, except for the scrupulous few who immediately work on their papers and torture everyone with their mad scribbling.

Writing this blog marks the epoch of the greatest irony. I have chosen to try a hand at something which has long presented itself as a task and not a passion. Now I ask myself: Did I choose to conquer my adversary or has it conquered me?