So Why Vegetarian?

In between doing the laundry and procrastinating to clean up the fish tank, one may be inspired to write imaginary conversations. Like how I've imagined myself to be on the Tyra "I don't ever shut up" Banks Show, sitting demurely on the couch, hands folded on my lap, indifferent and detached from the probing stare of the audience.

Tyra: So they tell me you're vegetarian.
Me: Uh-huh.
Tyra: How long has it been?
Me: Almost 4 years.
Tyra: Why?
Me: The long or short version of it?
Tyra: We only have 30 minutes. Let's have the short version.
Me: I like animals so I don't eat them. I don't like the smell of fried death on my plate.
Tyra: Do you sit with people who eat meat?
Me: Yes, unless they're carrying a highly contagious viral disease. Or I just don't like them.
Tyra: Do you ever tell people to stop eating meat?
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Tyra: Because you're advocating a noble cause.
Me: If I wanted to be preachy, I should've become a nun, not a vegetarian. Being vegetarian was a choice, not a self-righteous conviction to make meat-eaters feel bad for devouring the leg of a pig, chicken or cow.
Tyra (awkward silence): So do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Me: Remind me, what were you doing again before becoming a talk show host?

Cut to commercial.