Wonder Ponder

It takes one Jessica Zafra to mess up with your thinking with these questions:

1. If Jesus were cloned, would that be his Second Coming?
2. After the shoe bomber was discovered, we had to take off our shoes for the airport security check. On Friday a man was foiled in the attempt to blow up a plane using chemicals and a syringe sewn into his underwear, so what kind of airport security check are we in for?
3. Stephen Dorff's quest in Blade was to take over the human race and turn everyone into vampires. Which raises the conundrum: If everyone's a vampire, who will the vampires eat?

From her Twisted book series.
Check out her blog: http://www.jessicarulestheuniverse.com/

So Why Vegetarian?

In between doing the laundry and procrastinating to clean up the fish tank, one may be inspired to write imaginary conversations. Like how I've imagined myself to be on the Tyra "I don't ever shut up" Banks Show, sitting demurely on the couch, hands folded on my lap, indifferent and detached from the probing stare of the audience.

Tyra: So they tell me you're vegetarian.
Me: Uh-huh.
Tyra: How long has it been?
Me: Almost 4 years.
Tyra: Why?
Me: The long or short version of it?
Tyra: We only have 30 minutes. Let's have the short version.
Me: I like animals so I don't eat them. I don't like the smell of fried death on my plate.
Tyra: Do you sit with people who eat meat?
Me: Yes, unless they're carrying a highly contagious viral disease. Or I just don't like them.
Tyra: Do you ever tell people to stop eating meat?
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Tyra: Because you're advocating a noble cause.
Me: If I wanted to be preachy, I should've become a nun, not a vegetarian. Being vegetarian was a choice, not a self-righteous conviction to make meat-eaters feel bad for devouring the leg of a pig, chicken or cow.
Tyra (awkward silence): So do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Me: Remind me, what were you doing again before becoming a talk show host?

Cut to commercial.

Mom & Dad Have Spoken

These are the types of conversations I miss at home.

Mom: So, when do you think can we pick up the photograph? (they had a photograph enlarged)
Dad: When it's done.
Right.

After finishing off a stick of pork barbecue, macaroni salad, a KFC chicken wrap, a quarter of roasted chicken and a cup of fruit salad...
Dad: Hmmm, I think I'm full.
Operative word: Think.

Dad (in reference to Boxer the Shih Tzu): This stupid dog accidentally sat and parked his balls on my big toe, and when I moved my foot, he threatened to bite me!?!
Well, if somebody kicked you in the balls, wouldn't you?

Cousin John helping to unwrap my mom's gifts...
John (holding up a mug): This is a good gift...for recycling.
John (holding up an umbrella): This is useful...for Christmas raffle.
John (holding up a chic handmade candle): This smells nice...can I have it?

Losing Snow in December

She barked incessantly from the balcony of our provincial home to catch our attention - a beautiful Japanese Spitz hiding underneath a coat of mottled fur, desperate for human love and attention. After losing nine dogs to the deadly canine parvovirus disease, I was vulnerable to all things yapping. I begged for my uncle to let us bring her home, and promised to take good care of her. Seeing how his niece was so smitten by the dog, how could he refuse?

Her cotton-soft, white fur earned her the name Snowflake. She was a meek and gentle soul, not one to senselessly and annoyingly yelp her balls off (not that she had any). Our extended family eventually grew, with the addition of a Shih-Tzu from a cousin, and a mixed breed of Maltese and Japanese Spitz from an ex-boyfriend (funny how the ex had to go, and the dog gets to stay). Snowflake was never the troublemaker among our brood of three mutts. She's always been the amicable, harmless, endearing ball of white fluff that everyone liked.

A few weeks ago, Snowflake developed a dog rash and lost a lot of fur. I live overseas so I only found out that she was suffering from the skin disease when I came home a few days ago. I was shocked to see my old girl in such a decrepit state. She was almost blind and half-deaf, but she struggled to get on her feet when she saw me. I was able to stroke and kiss her nose before she collapsed on the floor. My heart bled at the sorry sight of my dog who had inevitably fallen prey to old age. We took her to the vet but even the vet did not bother to raise our hopes that our little furball will make it. She died December 21st.

I hope you're getting the best Christmas dog chow in heaven, old girl. Woof in style like I taught ya.

Christmas Wishlist

Raise your hand if you're sick of getting mugs and picture frames for Christmas. Raise the other hand if you re-wrap and recycle these gifts and give them to your least favorite in-laws (mom, put your hand up!). Ergo, here's a shameless, thick-skinned post on what I want for Christmas so you don't have to figure me out (kudos for even trying).


1. Sony E-Book/Kindle Reader - It feeds your mind, it's entertaining, it saves space, it saves trees - do I still need to spell out how much I really, really want this?
2. Shower Gel - In their tooty fruity glory. Not a fan of floral scents. Jasmine reminds me of Santo Nino figurines and jeepney rearview mirrors (Pinoys, you know exactly what I'm talking about).
3. Fun, colorful undies - In my cousins's twisted logic, in case of sudden death, wearing ugly granny panties won't be one of your life's biggest regrets.
4. Sports/gym clothes - If you pay for the gym membership, that'd be great too.
5. Massage/spa/pedicure vouchers - Hey, we live in a stressful world. A lady's got to pamper herself - a lot.
6. Vegetarian/healthy/organic food - If we are what we eat, I won't be surprised if one day I turn into grass.

My .001 Second Subway Commercial Stint

Do Models Eat? They Do, and They Want Extra Rice

I'm dishing out my first hand experience on what models eat, after spending three days with them during the F1 event. I took it upon myself to broadcast to the world that not all models have eating disorders (they still bitch and backstab, mind you). I'm not sure if it's because they're Asians, or because they're in their teens, or because they have a bone density 20% lighter than normal human beings. Or maybe they just have superfast metabolisms that even batting an eyelash burns 100 calories.

During the event, most of us got out of bed late, and we typically lumped breakfast with lunch at around 1PM. For one model, lunch translated to a McDonald's cheeseburger, Coke and fries, and for another, a chicken turnover pie. One model chomped on a curry puff and washed it down with a tall Starbucks Frappuccino. If you think they force themselves to throw up after eating, I didn't see anybody make a beeline for the ladies' room, so trust me when I say they're not bulimic.

We have dinner at around 7 or 8PM and models usually trundle into the huddle room grumbling about their aching feet and how hungry they were, as if they haven't been fed for days. One model would always ask me if I was going to eat my rice and was delighted to find out I hardly ate rice. She grabbed all the rice she can scoop out of my bento box, and started scouring for other rice sources. This girl was downright skinny - I wish I knew where she stores her rice reserves. There was a time when one girl brought in a box of Popeye's chicken for dinner, and it's ironic to see how these girls munching on the drumstick had legs as skinny as the chicken they're eating.

I've also worked with girls who have a flourishing relationship with desserts. Everytime the waiter brings out a fresh tray of lavishly decorated cocoa concoctions, their eyes would follow the waiter hungrily and they literally drooled over the fancy tarts. Towards the end of the night, one of the models couldn't resist asking the food & beverage coordinator if we could try the desserts. It only took a winning smile from the model and we had our daily supply of tarts, tiramisu and chocolate truffles from the buffet table. The models devoured the heavenly blocks of chocolate and colorful shotglasses of lush cream and strawberries without a care for calories or their waistline.

By now, you're probably whining "life is unfair!", rocking back and forth, and regretting to have foregone that doughnut this morning, because, hey, this whole diet thing is pointless anyway. You're probably itching to strangle these models who can eat anything they want and not worry about gaining weight. Know that my sympathy goes out to you. Like you and most people, I am predisposed to fast weight gain (no thanks to my dad's fat-storing genes) and have to work harder to combat metabolic slowdown in my late 20's. But I don't mind, because this has forced me to choose a lifestyle that's healthier and more sustainable in the long run. The extra rice and Popeye's chicken wings will eventually find their way into these girls' hips, and they will start packing on the tubs of lard once they hit their 30's.

But then again, maybe they won't. I can then say life's a bitch.