The French Diaries

Aug 8 - Touched down Paris 6AM. Cramped seat + 2 movies + turbulence = RED EYE.

Aug 9-11: Spent 3 days in Rouen. It's a very laidback town with nice and polite people (which stumps all prejudice on French rudeness). And holy macarons! The boulangerie is a sinful place to be with those sugary, irresistible pastries that can make 'diet' disappear from your vocabulary.

Aug 12: I got back to Paris last night, and had to do laundry this morning. All the buttons were in French and I had to Google Translate them one by one to figure out which one was 'wash'. My own 'lost in translation' moment.

Aug 13: I saw dead people, including Oscar Wilde and Jim Morrison, at Cimetiere Pere Lachaise. Oscar Wilde's tomb was peppered by women's lipstick kisses. Romantic or not, I found it quite gross.

Aug 14 -18: If you ask me to describe Brittany in three syllables, that would be boats, stripes and crepes. I came at a perfect time and was able to join a pardon and relive my Marian procession days. Everything was almost the same, except that the Ave Maria was in French. The mass was in French, but I've been to Chinese, Cebuano and Ilocano celebrations before so I'm pretty adept at lip-syncing and appearing solemn while trying to catch anything that resembles English. I've donned the Breton striped shirt in honor of the occasion and stuffed my face with crepes and galletes.

Sailor stereotypes are aplenty in Brittany. You know, the old, tanned and bearded men who resemble old Pappy from Popeye. Wonder if they have enough spinach to go around.

Mont Saint Michel is one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. Ever. We walked across the natural land bridge which was a 7 kilometer trek from the tourist information center to the abbey. I was very fortunate to have been able to do this.

August 19: The only bike I've ridden for the last few years was the stationary bike at California Fitness, so you can just imagine my anxiety when I had to bike around Paris. I started a bit shaky, scared that a bus or a car would run me over. Or worse, that I'd run over someone. But I survived, without any mishaps. If there's anything I've learned today, it's that I wasn't born to do Tour de France.

August 28-29: Awesome performance by Massive Attack, LCD Soundsystem & The Ting-Tings at Rock en Seine. It rained on the second day and I was soaked to the second layer of my clothing (hah! I had three layers...in the summer. Yes, un femme du Asie). I caught a cold the next day, and was feverish. Not cool.

August 30-September 3: Worked a day in the Paris office, spent the rest visiting the museums, grocery shopping, touristy shopping (yes, those I heart Paris stores would be hard to resist after you walk past the 10th store), cooking, cleaning (no, I did not moonlight as a maid), parties, studying, watched Step Up 3D.

September 4: Attended a friend's wedding - my first French wedding. Since everything had meat, I starved. Macarons, candies, sweets and champagne saved me from my personal famine - I was on a sugar high afterwards. Everything was beautiful - the newlyweds, the location, the people!

September 5: Up, up and away in a French balloon! The view was spectacular. It whetted my desire to go skydiving. Spent some time at Parc Buttes Chaumont. Too crowded on a Sunday but climbing the hill and walking around the park was good exercise.

September 6: Spent the afternoon at Musee Guimet and the rest of the day reading. Will witness my first French transport strike tomorrow.

I have no idea why people keep asking me for directions. My current tally is at 5. Am I starting to look French? NOT.

Back to Barracks

I admit it - I've been Singaporeanized. Three years of living in the land of laksa, durian and char kway teow have dulled the survival instincts honed by the streets of Sampaloc. Self-reminders when I get back to Manila:

1. Tighten my grip on my mobile phone. 

2. Zip my handbag. 

3. Wear backpacks in reverse and look like a pregnant woman. Or worse, my dad.

4. Remember that efficiency will cease to exist. Completely.

5. Remember that if Singapore have asshole drivers, Manila would have 5x more.

6. Turn paranoia to full blast.
7. Remember that there's a Starbucks in every corner of the city that could potentially rob me PHP500 daily for a quick caffeine fix.
8. Stay away from the evil, consumerism-driven establishments called malls.
9. Wanted, unwanted, drunk and sober friends alike will crash into my crib. No fail.
10. Remember that there's a weekend job called 'mom's driver'.

Inversity

"Inversity"
The law of inverse relationships.

Queues and your patience - As the line gets longer, your patience gets shorter. So move your asses, goddamn slowpokes!
Distance and punctuality -Those who live the closest to their offices are never on time.
Height and ego - Also known as the Napoleon complex.
A man's looks and his car - Hot cars, ugly drivers.
Alcohol and intelligence - Increased alcohol consumption leads to decreased brain function.
Years of marriage and sex - According to Russell Peters, also known as the onegina disease.

*These suggestions are a product of the author's insuppressible urge to give unsolicited opinions. Any similarities in real life are purely coincidental.

Total Eclipse of My Heart

There is only one reason I will spend $10 for Eclipse - Taylor Lautner and his ripped body. This boy is probably 9 years my junior...erm, cougar who?

The third installment didn't improve my relatively low opinion of the whole vampire saga (sorry, but Bram Stoker and Anne Rice still rule my world of nosferatu). Kirsten Stewart had the same, bland acting (if you can even call that acting) which matched the pallor of her skin. I was never her big fan. And was it just me or was Robert Pattinson having a hard time talking through that mouthful of fangs? Better not start chewing gum, or you'll be in a lot of trouble.

I found it extremely funny that Bella was trying to force Edward to have sex with her, and Edward prudently refused because he wanted them to get married first. If you ask me, the real reason is he couldn't get it up because the bloodsucker is 100 years old AND dead. It made me wonder - does Edward even have sperm, considering he's a corpse?

Jacob had a ton of witty lines that I find absolutely adorable. Must be me and my love of canines. Watch this episode of What The Buck where Michael "I'm not pointing at my crotch - Glittertits!" Buckley gives you a hilarious commentary of the movie. My favorite comment: Victoria runs so fast even the wolves couldn't catch her - they huffed, and they puffed and they still can't blow that bitch down.

No Straight Arrow & Forever After

Two movie habits that people find strange about me: 1) I can watch movies alone 2) I would prefer an action adventure or 3D animation over a sappy romantic film anytime. I have no patience for regurgitated romantic plots where two people fall in love and live happily ever after. Imagine my glee when somebody finally found the balls to kill Meg Ryan's character in City of Angels. Not surprised that people hated that movie.

I watched Robinhood two weeks ago and sad to say, Sir Ridley Scott missed his mark. Some scenes were a drag, Russell Crowe was the Gladiator who mastered archery without the strappy sandals, and it was short of being a movie simply made to stroke the British ego. Cate Blanchett was brilliant, as usual. Scott's gloomy version of Robinhood was nothing like Howard Pyle's merry, thieving weasel. Give me that sly old fox of Disney anytime.

Today was for the stinking. mud-loving ogre who was transported to an alternate universe after signing a deal with Rumplestiltskin. I've had my share of laughs and got my $10 worth of amusement. But nothing beats the original Shek movie with that kick-ass Duloc Song.


Keep your feet off the grass,
Shine your shoes,
Wipe your........face!!

Maybe Tomorrow...Things Would Get Better

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me


It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

When Shallow Goes Deep: Volume I

A compilation of "quotes" that made me go "huh?"

In a contest that asked participants the definition of a man or woman:

1. I am the woman who believes in myself. Nothing is impossible, as a women rule the world!

Sweetheart, before you rule the world, take the "a" before women.

2. I am the Man because she said so.
Who's she? Ah, must be your mother.


3. Why am I the man? Cause what I'm wearing represents me as the man I am.

So if you're not wearing anything, you're nothing.

4. I am the man as I am going shout to the world that skinny guys can be cool too!

Shush. Order your whey protein and hit the gym - pronto!

5. A little girly on the outside, I'm still a fully grown man on the inside.

Not a girl, now a man, not yet a woman.