Short Stories - Shorties!

Park Square
If you want to blackmail me using my ugliest photos, you can find them in my high school yearbook or in my government IDs (except my social security ID - the thought of the government giving me money brought out that big smile. Too optimistic, I suppose.)

I renewed my NBI clearance today. When you stand in line for two hours, you're bound to look like a criminal by the time they take your photo. Who wouldn't feel murderous when his or her varicose veins are about to explode?

Big Apple Express Spa
I got a Balinese massage and tried the Nutra-Ice menthol lotion. In this 36 degree weather, this epidermal self-cooling system lasts for 3 hours. For an extra PHP100, you save on air-conditioning. Try it.

Republiq

I went clubbing with my friend last Holy Wednesday.

Me: Aren't we forbidden to party this Holy Week?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: Well, I checked with my sister and she said it's okay 'til Good Friday. So if we go to hell, I'll blame her.

The place was packed at midnight. Considering it's a work night, Holy Week, and half of the clubbing population in Boracay, I'd say Republiq is a happening place. Dirty bit!

Gym

The three words you should keep to yourself and never say to me: “You gained weight.” Yes, I'm one of those people whose self-esteem is tied to their BMI. So when my trainer said I put on weight, I tried to convince myself it's a marketing ploy to get me to renew my training session.

To settle the argument, we did the ultimate litmus test – the weighing scale. I avoided him for three days because I was scared to get on that overly-complex scale that measures your weight, body fat, BMR, BMI, body water, metabolic age, sperm count, DNA composition...

Turns out I gained 2 pounds but I still have a body age of 19! Ha! Suck on that! Gloat, gloat and say what? Oh yes, gloat. My self-esteem is doing just fine.

Drive, Drove, Driven

And the most improved government agency award goes to.....
The Land Trasnportation Office at Ayala MRT Station!
Applause! Applause!

STEPS TO RENEWING YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE PHILIPPINES

Step 1: Fill out your driver's renewal form. 

The only time when you can create a more perfect you by adding a few centimeters to your height and taking five pounds off your weight. Nobody verifies this information, trust me.

Step 2: Fill up the bottle with urine for drug-testing.

Could only do half. I was dehydrated.

Step 3: Photo-taking and finger scanning.

Before taking your photo, the guy at the counter would yell, "SINGLE or MARRIED???"  I still can't figure out why they even had to ask. What does your marital status have anything to do with driving? Are single women more prone to accidents?! Clive Owen, marry me, quick!

When my name was called out, I chirped "SINGLE!", gave a big smile at the camera then gave them the finger (for scanning).

Step 4: Medical exam

In my country, as long as you're not blind, you're fit to drive. I couldn't read the bottom half of the Snellen chart and yet my form says 20/20 vision. So if you get into an accident and the driver claims he didn't see you coming, you know why.

Step 5 : Pay up.

Everything costs around PHP1000.

And finally...

A spanking new license! Hmm, I look like a coke addict in my photo. I blame it on poor equipment.

Come Again One More Time, Ma'am-Sir?

I was craving for rice cake so I went to Market!Market! to buy sapin-sapin. The guy at the stall randomly asked, "Ma'am, do you have a race?" For one split second I was tempted to be a smart-ass and say "Well, for the most part, I'm human." I think what he was trying to ask was if I was of mixed ethnicity. Funny how that came out.
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A while ago I found that my kitchen pipe was leaking and I was on the verge of an Ondoy disaster. I looked like that little Dutch boy trying to plug the hole in the dam with his finger. My best plumbing ghetto fix - wrap that damn hole with clingwrap.

I knew this was beyond my basic plumbing skills so I called the maintenance guy to assess the damage. He said, "Ma'am, we need an angle bulb." I thought to myself, this is the first time I've heard of a bulb being used under the sink. But what do I know? So I went to MC Home Depot and showed them the part. Product label reads: "angle valve". Toing!

Animatronics

If you're clueless as to what level up means or think MMPORG is a goverment agency, you can stop reading now - this one is for the geeks.

I've recently seen RPG Metanoia and I'm praising the heavens for the pool of creative geniuses and their financial sponsors who finally came up with a refreshing story that is not the nth remake of  Shake, Rattle and Roll, a horror film featuring Kris Aquino, or another misadventure of Enteng Kabisote.

Sidenote: I'm still confused why we show horror movies during Christmas season. Somebody must have an irrational obsession for Halloween, or he just wants to play the Grinch and spoil your Christmas by scaring the wits out of you.

There are just way too many good reasons why you should see RPG Metanoia. Who would want to miss a bentilador and longganisa in animated 3D? I laud the attention to detail, the smooth character animation and the brilliant script. The only miss in this movie is the dubbing. Makes you think of the Tagalog-dubbed Ghostfighter. (Remember Master Eugene who'd be pre-pubescent in one episode, and an old croaking frog the next? And there's Toguro and his 100% muscle power. Classic.)

I really hope the DVD release would have good subtitles that'll capture the poignant ways of Pinoy life. The winning one-liner: "Naka-level up na kooo!"
Check out the movie's website at www.rpgthemovie.com.

A few words on Tron - flat script, hip soundtrack, superb graphics. I was expecting Jeff Bridges to bring his Big Lebowski humor into this movie but was sorely disappointed. The humor's as dry as my skin in cold weather.

With every scene peppered with strobing neon lights and Daft Punk tunes, topped with that rebel biker hottie Garrett Hedlund, this movie makes the perfect alternative to a Zoukout party . If you're suffering from migraine, best to sit this one out.

Nobody Nobody But You

First two days of 2011 and I feel like somebody can drive a bamboo stick through me, and roast me like last media noche's lechon. When you live with my mother, expect to be force-fed five times a day. I'm stuffed to my tonsils and I'm ready to cleanse my body of the excess salt, sugar and fat that have been clogging my bloodstream since December 31st. I went to the gym today to jumpstart my 2011 detox regime and brought myself some oatmeal which I intend to consume for the next 7 days (fiber, jeeves!). I'm not fat - I'm just neurotic.

I figured I might as well pay a visit to the salon since I'm starting to look like someone who's had a kuwitis gone awry land on her head. I went to this salon called Tony and Jackey at Market!Market! (third floor). I wanted to get keratin hair treatment to get that Pantene shine back and get a side fringe/bangs. Now getting a side fringe could only mean two things 1) a fierce battle against my natural parting which is like fighting corruption in this country and 2) the risk of looking like Justin Bieber. Oh baby, baby, oh.

The hair stylists at Tony and Jackey were all Korean. It felt really cool to have a Korean cut your hair...they give you that small hope that they can turn you into a K-Pop star. Well, here's my best Wondergirls shot:

안녕하세요

Happy 2011 to ya'll cyber junkies!

Cabbie Gone Pimp

Two male Caucasians and three Pinays got off the cab I flagged down this morning. The driver told me, "Ang kukulit nung mga babae. Titirahin siguro sila nung dalawang foreigner." (The girls were so naughty. I bet the foreigners will screw them).

Five points for bluntness.

Me: Where did you pick them up?
Cabbie: Burgos.
Me: Ah.
Cabbie: Ma'am, I hope you won't think I'm a pervert, but I bet those foreigners are "big".
Me: Big?
Cabbie: You know. Big d***. Do you think they'll do the three girls? The one in black looks like he's good in bed. I saw his package, ma'am, it's big.
Me: But why were you checking out his package? Shouldn't you be checking out the girls?
Cabbie: I can't help it. He's wearing stretched pants.
Me (wanting to change the subject): Are you married?
Cabbie: Yes. Two wives. First one cheated on me so I dumped her. Maybe I wasn't big enough.
Changing the subject: fail!
Me: Well, it's not always about the size you know.
Cabbie: You know, I have a Japanese customer coming. He's very rich. I can introduce him to you. He's 58 years old.
This dude must be confused. The hookers got off at the Fort 15 minutes ago...
Cabbie turned pimp. Great.
Me: No way. 58??! He's older than my dad. That's gross.
Cabbie: But he has a lot of money.
Me: I don't care.
Cabbie: How tall are you?
Me: 5'7"-5'8".
Cabbie: You could be a model. Or a celebrity. I thought you were a celebrity. Para kang Maricar Reyes
Me: Who's Maricar Reyes?
Cabbie: You don't know her??! The one with Hayden Kho!
Was I supposed to know this woman? Must google this Maricar Reyes.
Cabbie: I know this director. But he only directs comedies. I think you need a manager.
From pimp to talent scout. Awesome.

I gave him a generous tip for the morning breakfast entertainment.

Signed Sealed Not Delivered

I got a notice in my mailbox saying I have to pick up a package at the Taguig Post Office. Nobody seems to know where it is. Not surprised - turns out it's in the middle of nowhere.

The post office looked like an old warehouse (I suspect they have chicken coops at the back). One look at the place and I'm no longer surprised why we never get our mail.

I was asked to pay PHP40, but the man did not explain exactly why he's charging me PHP40. To cover the cost of delivering the note to my place? Then why didn't they just bring the damn package to begin with and we could've all saved ourselves a lot of trouble?!


The misery continues. I went to another door where I can pick up my package and I was appalled when they started ripping my box open in front of me. They said 'customs' needs to check it. Customs turns out to be this old guy digging into his lunch of boiled egg and rice. Mr. Customs asked me to evaluate the value of my package. I told him it's a used shirt and a pair of pants - they're not worth anything. He told me to estimate. I quoted a conservative amount, cause I know this bastard is going to tax me based on the package value. I told him PHP2000. He whipped out his calculator and started jabbing numbers...the total of my customs tax? PHP1200.
IS HE NUTS?????
I don't know what kind of math or economics he learned in school, but that's more than half of what my item is worth. I was seething. I told him I don't have the money, so he started "negotiating". He said okay, pay me PHP500 and you can walk away with your package. This guy had the nerve to hold me ransom with something that's rightfully mine! But when you're in their turf, you can't put up a fight. I allowed myself to be robbed of PHP500, which went straight to his wallet - literally.

I thought, if this kind of red tape happens in a measly post office, I can't imagine how much money is being extorted by bigger government sharks. People are trying to make a decent living and you steal their hard-earned money. Let me say this loud and clear: Shame on you. You disgust me.