Come Again One More Time, Ma'am-Sir?

I was craving for rice cake so I went to Market!Market! to buy sapin-sapin. The guy at the stall randomly asked, "Ma'am, do you have a race?" For one split second I was tempted to be a smart-ass and say "Well, for the most part, I'm human." I think what he was trying to ask was if I was of mixed ethnicity. Funny how that came out.
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A while ago I found that my kitchen pipe was leaking and I was on the verge of an Ondoy disaster. I looked like that little Dutch boy trying to plug the hole in the dam with his finger. My best plumbing ghetto fix - wrap that damn hole with clingwrap.

I knew this was beyond my basic plumbing skills so I called the maintenance guy to assess the damage. He said, "Ma'am, we need an angle bulb." I thought to myself, this is the first time I've heard of a bulb being used under the sink. But what do I know? So I went to MC Home Depot and showed them the part. Product label reads: "angle valve". Toing!

Animatronics

If you're clueless as to what level up means or think MMPORG is a goverment agency, you can stop reading now - this one is for the geeks.

I've recently seen RPG Metanoia and I'm praising the heavens for the pool of creative geniuses and their financial sponsors who finally came up with a refreshing story that is not the nth remake of  Shake, Rattle and Roll, a horror film featuring Kris Aquino, or another misadventure of Enteng Kabisote.

Sidenote: I'm still confused why we show horror movies during Christmas season. Somebody must have an irrational obsession for Halloween, or he just wants to play the Grinch and spoil your Christmas by scaring the wits out of you.

There are just way too many good reasons why you should see RPG Metanoia. Who would want to miss a bentilador and longganisa in animated 3D? I laud the attention to detail, the smooth character animation and the brilliant script. The only miss in this movie is the dubbing. Makes you think of the Tagalog-dubbed Ghostfighter. (Remember Master Eugene who'd be pre-pubescent in one episode, and an old croaking frog the next? And there's Toguro and his 100% muscle power. Classic.)

I really hope the DVD release would have good subtitles that'll capture the poignant ways of Pinoy life. The winning one-liner: "Naka-level up na kooo!"
Check out the movie's website at www.rpgthemovie.com.

A few words on Tron - flat script, hip soundtrack, superb graphics. I was expecting Jeff Bridges to bring his Big Lebowski humor into this movie but was sorely disappointed. The humor's as dry as my skin in cold weather.

With every scene peppered with strobing neon lights and Daft Punk tunes, topped with that rebel biker hottie Garrett Hedlund, this movie makes the perfect alternative to a Zoukout party . If you're suffering from migraine, best to sit this one out.

Nobody Nobody But You

First two days of 2011 and I feel like somebody can drive a bamboo stick through me, and roast me like last media noche's lechon. When you live with my mother, expect to be force-fed five times a day. I'm stuffed to my tonsils and I'm ready to cleanse my body of the excess salt, sugar and fat that have been clogging my bloodstream since December 31st. I went to the gym today to jumpstart my 2011 detox regime and brought myself some oatmeal which I intend to consume for the next 7 days (fiber, jeeves!). I'm not fat - I'm just neurotic.

I figured I might as well pay a visit to the salon since I'm starting to look like someone who's had a kuwitis gone awry land on her head. I went to this salon called Tony and Jackey at Market!Market! (third floor). I wanted to get keratin hair treatment to get that Pantene shine back and get a side fringe/bangs. Now getting a side fringe could only mean two things 1) a fierce battle against my natural parting which is like fighting corruption in this country and 2) the risk of looking like Justin Bieber. Oh baby, baby, oh.

The hair stylists at Tony and Jackey were all Korean. It felt really cool to have a Korean cut your hair...they give you that small hope that they can turn you into a K-Pop star. Well, here's my best Wondergirls shot:

안녕하세요

Happy 2011 to ya'll cyber junkies!

Cabbie Gone Pimp

Two male Caucasians and three Pinays got off the cab I flagged down this morning. The driver told me, "Ang kukulit nung mga babae. Titirahin siguro sila nung dalawang foreigner." (The girls were so naughty. I bet the foreigners will screw them).

Five points for bluntness.

Me: Where did you pick them up?
Cabbie: Burgos.
Me: Ah.
Cabbie: Ma'am, I hope you won't think I'm a pervert, but I bet those foreigners are "big".
Me: Big?
Cabbie: You know. Big d***. Do you think they'll do the three girls? The one in black looks like he's good in bed. I saw his package, ma'am, it's big.
Me: But why were you checking out his package? Shouldn't you be checking out the girls?
Cabbie: I can't help it. He's wearing stretched pants.
Me (wanting to change the subject): Are you married?
Cabbie: Yes. Two wives. First one cheated on me so I dumped her. Maybe I wasn't big enough.
Changing the subject: fail!
Me: Well, it's not always about the size you know.
Cabbie: You know, I have a Japanese customer coming. He's very rich. I can introduce him to you. He's 58 years old.
This dude must be confused. The hookers got off at the Fort 15 minutes ago...
Cabbie turned pimp. Great.
Me: No way. 58??! He's older than my dad. That's gross.
Cabbie: But he has a lot of money.
Me: I don't care.
Cabbie: How tall are you?
Me: 5'7"-5'8".
Cabbie: You could be a model. Or a celebrity. I thought you were a celebrity. Para kang Maricar Reyes
Me: Who's Maricar Reyes?
Cabbie: You don't know her??! The one with Hayden Kho!
Was I supposed to know this woman? Must google this Maricar Reyes.
Cabbie: I know this director. But he only directs comedies. I think you need a manager.
From pimp to talent scout. Awesome.

I gave him a generous tip for the morning breakfast entertainment.

Signed Sealed Not Delivered

I got a notice in my mailbox saying I have to pick up a package at the Taguig Post Office. Nobody seems to know where it is. Not surprised - turns out it's in the middle of nowhere.

The post office looked like an old warehouse (I suspect they have chicken coops at the back). One look at the place and I'm no longer surprised why we never get our mail.

I was asked to pay PHP40, but the man did not explain exactly why he's charging me PHP40. To cover the cost of delivering the note to my place? Then why didn't they just bring the damn package to begin with and we could've all saved ourselves a lot of trouble?!


The misery continues. I went to another door where I can pick up my package and I was appalled when they started ripping my box open in front of me. They said 'customs' needs to check it. Customs turns out to be this old guy digging into his lunch of boiled egg and rice. Mr. Customs asked me to evaluate the value of my package. I told him it's a used shirt and a pair of pants - they're not worth anything. He told me to estimate. I quoted a conservative amount, cause I know this bastard is going to tax me based on the package value. I told him PHP2000. He whipped out his calculator and started jabbing numbers...the total of my customs tax? PHP1200.
IS HE NUTS?????
I don't know what kind of math or economics he learned in school, but that's more than half of what my item is worth. I was seething. I told him I don't have the money, so he started "negotiating". He said okay, pay me PHP500 and you can walk away with your package. This guy had the nerve to hold me ransom with something that's rightfully mine! But when you're in their turf, you can't put up a fight. I allowed myself to be robbed of PHP500, which went straight to his wallet - literally.

I thought, if this kind of red tape happens in a measly post office, I can't imagine how much money is being extorted by bigger government sharks. People are trying to make a decent living and you steal their hard-earned money. Let me say this loud and clear: Shame on you. You disgust me.

The Taxi Driver's Pissed Off

I flagged down a cab along Rizal Drive at The Fort the other morning and the first thing the driver told me was, "Ma'am, naiihi na po ako (Ma'am, I really need to pee)". What do you do if a stranger tells you he needs to pee? The driver and I both know that peeing on the snobbish condominium walls of the Fort is unthinkable. His discomfort was apparent, because he was squirming in his seat and he can't even remember where we were going. As I have no intention of dying in a car accident with somebody who has a bursting bladder, I suggested we look for a gas station. Fortunately, we saw a construction site. So the driver illegally parked on the curb and literally jumped out to relieve himself.

Happier with an empty bladder, he told me how this has happened before, and he had to pee in a small plastic bottle. He said he almost filled the bottle to the brim. He was expecting me to say something so I said, "Imagine if the content spilled...uhm, your hands would've gotten wet (as if THAT was the most pressing issue...)." 

At the back of my mind I was thinking, "Oh God, I hope I have exact change. The guy just pee'd, didn't wash.........oh dear, manong, keep the change. I insist."

Who Missed the Bus?

I never thought I will ever, and I mean ever, come to the buses' defense considering our long-standing battle for EDSA-space. I told myself I will try to remain apathetic towards government policies as I'm in the brink of getting an epileptic seizure from incessantly rolling my eyes. But like an itch that needs to be scratched, I just have to blog about buses being included in the unified color coding scheme, which I've mathematically proven as ineffective in the first place.

Yes, they're big, they're nasty, they honk like mad, and they consider the MMDA a figment of their imagination (traffic rules? what traffic rules?). And as much as we'd like to get rid of them for good, buses are part of this delicate ecosystem called public transport. A bus can transport 30-50 people at any given time, making them the most efficient transport system next to the MRT. Take the buses away and you'll have hundreds of passengers stranded on the road (that's them waving at the news camera right now).

The problem is, we're not getting to the root of the problem. Too many people, too many cars, too little space. There is no control over the volume of private vehicles. There's Mr. Politician who has 10 cars - one for each child, one for the wife, and one for each mistress. Potentially, that's 10 cars on the road carrying one passenger each, or maximum two. Inefficiency, anyone?

What's worse, because of the color coding scheme, people are being 'forced' to buy two cars, which aggravates the whole volume problem to begin with.  Good for the car manufacturers, bad for you and me.

We don't need any more stupid traffic schemes like "U-turns" which is the root of all bottlenecks and dangerous swerving. We don't need more flyovers or road extensions...what we need is an efficient public transport system. We need more interconnected railway systems (how come nobody has thought of building an MRT line along Espana/Quezon Avenue, connecting to EDSA?) We need stricter law enforcement. Slap bus operators with tickets and fine them for their drivers' misdemeanors. If they refuse to play nice, teach them a lesson and suspend a few of them, and let them take a financial hit for refusing to obey traffic laws.

We need to control the volume of cars. Impose higher taxes on the purchase of third vehicles, fourth (to the infinity) vehicles. If they can afford to buy a third car, they might as well contribute to the public fund, so we can give our traffic enforcers a pay raise so they would stop taking bribes.

Also, why not incentivize private corporations to provide shuttles for their employees? They don't need to shoulder the entire operational costs; I'm sure employees wouldn't mind coughing up a few pesos for bus fare in lieu of paying for gasoline.

If these don't work, just air a Pacquiao fight - zero traffic jam guaranteed.